When It Is Love That Scares Us
This is how the Spanish poet Lope de Vega described love, in a poem that is contradictory and marvelous at the same time. But what if we weren’t able to show our love?
Philophobia is the fear of falling in love, of letting go. It manifests itself especially during the first months of the relationship, when we experience that wonderful feeling that drives us to idealize the partner, to believe that he is perfect, to feel the strong desire to spend most of the time together.
In addition to these idyllic sensations, however, falling in love also means adapting our life to the other, filing some sides of our character and changing certain behaviors, so that we can adapt and live a love story together. A change that occurs naturally and that the initial frenzy prevents us from seeing.
Philophobia is a fear that prevents us from actively participating in these situations : we do not experience those emotions firsthand, we do not show ourselves for who we are, we do not allow ourselves to share our life in a sincere and profound way.
What are the causes of philophobia?
A therapy with a psychologist could help us discover the causes of this fear, which are different for each person and based on their personal experiences.
However, there is a common point: philophobia is a way to defend ourselves from the darker side of love, we don’t love so as not to suffer.
The reasons can be various: the scars of a previous sentimental disappointment that prevent us from trying again, the inability to be honest with each other, the habit and selfishness for not wanting to abandon our lifestyle, the freedom that we feel when we are alone, etc.
Very often the causes are hidden even in childhood : the fact of having grown up in a family in which we were not taught to love or recognize love, in which it was not usual to show signs of affection, talk about feelings or in which our emotional needs were not met by the parents.
In these situations, the answers obtained and the disappointment we felt are transformed into an armor around us, in the only way we know of relating, and that we repeat over and over in all our romantic relationships.
This automatism is the most dangerous thing: it is taken for granted that if we show our love, we will only receive rejection or humiliation in return or we think that relationships can only be superficial.
Who is the philophobic?
The person who experiences this block feels a great insecurity, a total inability to calm down and abandon himself to his feelings , he is afraid of experiencing love and living a deep and sincere relationship as a couple.
Very often it is an unconscious fear, which we cannot explain or admit, but which is at the basis of many behaviors that prevent us from growing a relationship.
It is a phobia in all respects, and therefore those who suffer from it experience the same symptoms that occur in other phobias.
Some of these can be:
– Persistent, excessive or irrational fear;
– Anxious response to the phobic stimulus;
– Panic attacks;
– Sleep disorders.
These moods lead the philophobic to avoid phobic situations, to feel anxiety even before they occur or to feel unwell when living a relationship.
The result is the inability to establish a deep and empathic couple relationship, which deprives us of one of the treasures of life: to love and be loved.
How to overcome philophobia?
The first step, as always, is to admit it. We must realize that our choices in life are conditioned by an uncontrollable fear.
Seeking the help of a psychologist can help us understand the reasons and the most appropriate way to overcome this block.
It will do us good to repeat some things to ourselves:
– Let’s not deprive ourselves of the possibility of falling in love and living a stable and lasting relationship.
– We don’t have a crystal ball and we can’t know how a romance will end, so there’s no point in assuming it will go wrong, especially since thinking it helps make it go wrong.
– We avoid making comparisons with past loves, each story is different because each couple is different.
– Let’s not expect the perfect relationship in life, because perfection does not exist. Even the relationships we ended, painful as they were, left us something, taught us something, and made us who we are today.
