Psychological Abuse In The Couple
You are a victim of psychological abuse in the couple and you feel unhappy, the first question that comes to mind in these cases is “why don’t I leave him / her?”. This question, asked by a person involved in a toxic relationship, often hides a much more complex reality. Domination-based bonds are shrouded in fear. It is inhabited by shame, indecision, confusion and love. Situations extremely difficult to understand for those who do not experience them.
Neuroscience claims that our brains are designed to foster connection between human beings. In this sense, when you start a relationship, you build something more than a commitment or a life together. Even our brain structures get used to that bond, they feed on that shared daily life, that affection, intimacy and mutual space.
When controlling or abusive behaviors appear, the other person tends to minimize the effect. The brain refuses to clearly process reality. He clings to the bond because admitting the truth can be excruciatingly painful. Slowly, the perception is dulled, giving rise to a sophisticated self-defense mechanism to preserve the idea that all is well.
The ‘ psychological abuse in the couple is a very sophisticated trap. We cannot trivialize by saying that the victim is blind, naive or indecisive because he does not react. The manipulation carried out by the partner is often based on underhanded and ruthless strategies. It is not at all easy to suddenly get out of this reality.
Why does the victim of psychological abuse in the couple not end the relationship?
If you are currently a victim of psychological abuse in the couple, it will probably take you a long time to admit it. It is likely that in the family context you have been taught to tolerate certain actions, words or behaviors. However, when someone warns you about the situation, you immediately distance yourself. Others don’t see what you see in your partner. Tell yourself that he is a special person, someone who is worth putting up with a little bit of suffering.
This inner dialogue will go on from day to day until at some point you have enough and you become aware that you have fallen into a trap. But this moment marks the beginning of another dynamic. Despite the awareness of the abuse, you still won’t be strong enough to end the relationship. Because that’s when the fear will emerge.
Studies such as those carried out by Jacobson. N, Gottman. JM and Gortner. And, at the University of Washington, they point out that these situations can last between two and five years on average. Let’s look at the reasons why it is so difficult to end a relationship when one is a victim of psychological abuse in couples.
The state of psychological “freezing”
Psychological abuse, after all, has the same impact as trauma. It is damage that is inflicted daily through the most devious strategies. It is a constant erosion of self-esteem, dignity and self-concept.
The victim ends up suffering the same symptoms of a stressful situation : mental fatigue, headache, muscle aches, small memory losses … This soon leads to a psychological state of “freezing”. That is, the person separates himself from the emotions in order not to suffer, not to feel pain. And this allows the attacker to continue to perpetrate the damage.
Abuse tactics that change the way of thinking
The aggressor exploits an element to his great advantage: love. It will use this basic ingredient to have power over the other. Every request, every thread that will move in his favor will be justified by affection, by that double-edged sword, to which the other person will always end up giving in.
The victim will resort to self-justifications, cognitive dissonances and false beliefs to integrate those dynamics and not suffer. Gradually, these manipulative tactics will also change their way of thinking and personality. There will be times when you will be led to believe that the fault of everything is yours, ending up hating you, feeling shame, anxiety.
The need to tell oneself again, to redefine oneself in the correct way
When one is subjected to psychological abuse, one is forced to redefine oneself as a person. Such is the degradation that can be achieved, the attrition and vulnerability, that the difficulty in finding the strength to end the relationship is perfectly understandable.
We will need the right support, trusted professionals who can help us redefine ourselves in the right way. Heal. Psychological abuse in the couple may not leave visible marks, but it completely obscures. It erases identity, weakens qualities, consumes self-esteem and distorts values.
We can tell ourselves again, but in a healthy way, with the ink of resilience and the paper of hope. To shape someone stronger, ready to write better chapters. Because even if the past is not forgotten, it is only a part of our history, an experience that cannot prevent us from creating more beautiful stories; happier stories.
