Narcissistic Mothers Who Create A Selfish And Fragile Bond
Being the daughters of narcissistic mothers means having grown up under a looming female shadow. This is an educational style based on control and the absence of empathy, in which the mother tries to imprint a version of herself in the daughter, but also transmitting her ego and her insecurities. An educational model based on self-denial, dependence and suffering.
“Will I ever be the way my mother wants me to be?” is one of the questions that daughters who grew up under the wing of a narcissistic maternal profile usually ask themselves.
As they grow up they will realize that their mothers lacked any trace of maternal instinct. Experts in suppressing identity and boycotting any attempt at independence, narcissistic mothers undoubtedly represent one of the most complex and harmful profiles.
It was the 1980s when a film came out to the cinema that would serve as an example of this reality. Mammina cara is based on the highly successful book of the same name written by Christina Crawford, daughter of the famous actress Joan Crawford.
The pages, designed to transcribe the biography of one of the most powerful and influential women in the world of cinema, reveal the story of an abuse, the story of an almost constant psychological abuse. That of a narcissistic mother who, challenging traditional educational models, decided to imprint a version of herself in her daughter. And the effects were fatal …
Let’s explore the topic of narcissistic mothers together.
Daughters of narcissistic mothers, when you are never up to par
It should be noted right away that not all women with narcissistic tendencies show a narcissistic personality disorder, as described in the DSM-5 ( Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders ). They may have some characteristics, but still be functional on a social and personal level. In these cases, another aspect must be emphasized: the total incompetence in matters of education and child rearing.
Narcissism, therefore, ends up completely severing any mother-daughter bond, making it more difficult than ever for the child to become an independent and self-confident woman.
On the other hand, the relationship with sons will not be the best either. In general, any dynamic within these families revolves around narcissistic mothers and the impact their personality has on every aspect and person.
Well, the daughters, however, are more affected by this negative influence, and the reasons are various. First, because mothers use their daughters to project themselves, making them an appendage of their own ego, but at the same time seeing them as a threat.
In fact, the risk is that the daughter surpasses the mother from every point of view: in beauty, in intelligence, in resolution, in autonomy … Let’s see in detail what dynamics define these harmful constraints.
Defenseless daughters of narcissistic mothers
The discipline of the narcissistic mother is relentless. Her main concern is how her daughter is perceived externally, rather than knowing how she feels, what she wants or what her needs are. When the daughter is still small, she begins to cancel her emotions by reserving indifference or criticism.
These dynamics seriously hamper the development of the girl’s identity. Low self-esteem is compounded by low self-confidence and a constant need to receive the mother’s approval in every respect.
Such is the state of dependence that the more the years pass, the more the sense of shame also increases. In the long run, this feeling becomes toxic, as the child becomes convinced that she is not worthy of being loved.
Never compete with a narcissistic mother
For narcissistic mothers, daughters are a mirror in which they want to see themselves reflected. They want them to become their extension, to appear perfect in the eyes of the world, to make the choices they would make. They affect them in terms of tastes, studies, friendships and relationships as a couple.
However, a contradictory and harmful effect tends to occur: envy, constantly present, like a suffocating veil, like a persistent shadow. This sometimes leads to surrealist situations: for example, the prohibition of daughters to attend certain boys and then flirt themselves with those suitors. Not to mention, the daughters know their mothers are never ready to defend or protect them.
Daughters born to serve and please narcissistic mothers
A narcissistic mother will demand constant attention from her daughter, who will be forced to meet her needs, fulfill her expectations and not appear in the foreground so as not to cloud her. To this end, such mothers do not hesitate a second to manipulate, humiliate and debilitate their self-esteem.
How to heal this wound?
Many daughters of narcissistic mothers face trauma. Their wound arises from having grown up without a definite identity, with a heap of buried, distorted and denied emotions. They have to deal with the feeling of shame and get rid of the effects of codependency, which is not an easy process.
However, surviving and recovering is not impossible if you rely on the right help. There are specialized therapists, prepared to support us in all phases of recovery. The first is to replace the internalized, negative and critical maternal voice with another: one’s own. A voice that treats us with love, respect and with a view to growth.
A second crucial aspect is learning to free oneself from the parent, to set limits. You have to learn to prioritize yourself and position yourself in the right place. There where to undertake one’s own paths, to be able to act, be, live and breathe in total autonomy and freedom without being subordinated to the narcissistic flow.
To do this, it takes time. Often it will be necessary to move away from the narcissistic mother and do, for the first time, in an open way, what was so distressing: to disappoint her. This is the first step in improving one’s mental health and quality of life.
