Assertive Without Falling Into Aggression

Assertiveness is a social skill that allows you to communicate ideas and desires, as well as to defend your rights appropriately. How do you become assertive without falling into aggression?

An assertive person can say “no” when that is exactly what he wants to say or expresses a disagreement, even if politically incorrect. He is also someone who knows how to formulate a question or request frankly and clearly.

Simply put, an assertive person knows how to ask, deny a request, or negotiate with others consistent with what they want. It corresponds to a sincere and direct person. However, it is important not to confuse this ability with aggression.

Assertiveness, passivity and aggression

Assertiveness is usually found as one of the vertices of a triangle. At the other two extremes are passivity and aggression.

Passive people avoid saying what they think or feel inhibited in claiming their rights. In addition to this, they never make requests because they are convinced that it means annoying others.

Aggression, on the other hand, contains the conduct for those who do not ask themselves, but rather demand themselves. What is felt or thought is not expressed, but is shouted or shouted. There is no consideration for the other, because the person is convinced that his greatest right is to say whatever he wants.

Assertiveness is not a middle ground between these two extremes, but another way of dealing with communication. There is enough self-respect not to silence one’s rights; but there is also enough respect for the other person to take their thoughts and emotions into consideration.

Assertive, but not aggressive

Expressing what you think, feel or want can cause a confrontation with others, which is sometimes inevitable. Nobody likes to have an invitation turned down, for example.

It is also common in hierarchical relationships a certain discomfort when a subordinate expresses his disagreement about a directive.

However, this behavior must never be aggressive or lead to conflict. How can this be avoided? The following guidelines may help:

• Trying to see things in collective terms. When dealing with a situation, it is best to consider your own perspective, but also that of others. In particular, when there is a problem, the question is: “How are we going to solve it?”.

• Consider the possible reaction of others. If you are about to say something that may offend or upset another person, anticipate their possible reaction. Don’t face it superficially, but understand that every person is different and what you say has a varying impact.

• See the facts and data. An assessment or idea must be defended by citing concrete facts or specific data, rather than speculation. This is not only the most reasonable thing to do, but it is also a source of credibility.

• Say what you think. Far preferable to the general tendency of trying to guess how others feel, or their intentions or motives. Saying how a certain action or situation makes you feel makes things clearer and clarifies communication.

• Be kind to those who contradict us. The smartest thing to do is understand that someone who thinks differently has a point of view that can broaden ours. So it’s worth listening to, rather than challenging or defensive

• Evaluate the motivations. When you say something that clashes with others or defends a right, it is important to reflect on the validity of your motivations. In this way, you will not fall into a reactive automatism, nor will there be any need to attack anyone.

• Use persuasion. If you analyze things and reach a firm conviction, however reasonable it may be, it is useless if it is not communicated precisely and clearly. Being assertive never means being imposing.

To be assertive, you need training and self-esteem. It is the latter that prevents falling into disrespect or aggression towards others or towards oneself.

Training, in turn, makes it easier and easier to achieve that personal congruence which, at the same time, turns out to be pleasant for others.